I always seem to be envious of someone. I always want the life someone else seems to have. The bigger, cleaner house. The kids. The better job. More money.
It doesn’t seem to matter how good my life is going. I may be flying high on my latest success and I can come crashing down quickly with one look at someone who seems happier than me.
Did you notice the words I’ve been using? I want the life someone “seems” to have. I crash after looking at someone who “seems” happier than me. I am comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides.
What anyone’s life looks like from the outside can be the complete opposite of how they’re feeling inside. We are often able to “put on a happy face” and look good while dying in our inner world.
I read somewhere that comparing leads to despairing. I never come out on top, even when I am doing really well. There is always someone who is smarter, prettier, or richer. When I compare, I can’t win. I start to put myself down for my shortcomings, and the spiral starts winding down to the bottom of the pit.
It’s not pretty at the bottom. It’s dark and lonely. I don’t feel like I fit in. I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t feel like I deserve to live. It’s a VERY DEEP, DARK pit.
I also read that envy is a hostile form of self-pity. I definitely feel the hostility in my thoughts. I use them to poke just the right spots to make me feel the worst the quickest. That gets me off my high-horse. Not feeling like such hot stuff, now?
The light
A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too. Miranda Kerr
What can possibly shine a light in this deep pit so I can see myself in true relation to my fellow human beings? My Higher Power can. When She does, I see that I am Her child and that I am worthy of love like any of Her children.
When I let the light in, I see that I am on my own path, with my own struggles and challenges. I can’t look at someone else’s path and say “Why am I not over there?” I am where I am because my Higher Power put me here.
When I can love and accept myself, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing, how much they have, or who they know. I am able to focus on my own life, and its challenges and rewards. Then I can see the beauty of the path I’m on, and not worry about everyone else’s journey.